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Aug. 25th, 2015

Adele

Wrench in the machine or fork in the road?

::dusts off keyboard:::

Hey friends! I know it's been a while. A looooong while, but I'm back! It's been 2 kids and 1 new state later. I think it's been about 4 years since I posted, I believe.

I think it's fitting that another bump in the road brings me back here.

Thursday last I came into work after having a day off prior (Liam wasn't feeling well, so I took the day off). He felt better and I came in dressed up a little better than normal because I was leaving early for "Parent Appreciation Day" at Liam and Lenore's daycare --

Side note: those of you who still read this - I now have 2 kids: a boy (Liam) who will be 3 soon and a girl (Lenore) who will be 1 on almost the exact same day Liam turns 3.

-- anywho, I was just getting into the rhythm of the workday when our boss got notice that the Vice President of our company and someone from Human Resources were going to be at our office in an hour. Mind you, the corporate office is in Minnesota, so this isn't like "someone is coming in from downtown Pittsburgh." We knew instantly that it was news, and when someone comes in from HR, seldom is it good news. So we logged out of our tasks (per bosses order) and waited. I had a knot it my stomach and lump in my throat.

They arrived and immediately took my boss into the break room-another bad sign. When they came out they told us what we already figured. Someone was losing there job. Actually - they told us we ALL were losing our jobs at the end of the year because the client we served (we are a satellite office for a larger mail order pharmacy company) didn't renew their contract with us and were in fact, given incentive to move the contract at the end of 2015 and not the end of 2016 (per usual procedure).

Needless to say I didn't handle this news well. I've never been laid off. My work experience is like my relationships in that I've always been the one to move on before being let go (or the contracts just ended). It's that whole control issue I have. Sean didn't have particularly flattering things to say about it either, but it is what it is. The ones in control were giving us our written notices.

The positives: we were scheduled to have our monthly "lunch on the company" that all locations did. So my boss (and the rest of us, really) suggested we go to the most expensive place nearby. In all truth though - the VP did say to make sure we really enjoyed our lunch today. He also gave us the rest of the day off with pay. So, we got a lot of great food, had a long lunch trying to let it sink in and vent a little. The other good thing is I have 4 months to seek employment, so at least there's time.

It's been a little touch and go with me about this. I'm just scared I won't find a job. More scared than when Sean was laid off in January 2013. This time we have *2* kids and a house. Perspective reminds me that that particular situation brought us here, and for the most part (aside from subtle anxiety brought on by learning my way around, meeting new people, staying on top of my health issues in a new environment and the occasional-but-typical family drama) things are going well here. I'm just struggling right now (probably because it is so fresh) with perspective here. I'll get there. I have to know there's a solution because we dealt with it before. One way or another.

Change is the only constant, but man it's nice to have a solid routine. We'll get back there soon enough.

Jul. 2nd, 2015

Lava Lamp

I'm BACK

Just a quick hello. I had given up on this journal - and for a while couldn't access it because of my email issue and I couldn't remember my password, but I finally gave it one more try and VOILA! It worked.

I don't know how frequent it will be but, figured I'd drop a line.

Dec. 31st, 2011

Lava Lamp

Year in Review part II


I have to add (since my last post was so melancholy and emo) that I did have significant good things happen this year.

 

I found my strength again.

 

I found some really awesome new friends. Finally people who get me (and also manage to put up with me)!

 

I found I can do pretty awesome things for and with my students, despite big brother interference.

 

I found out that maybe I do have a knack for improv, probably from being such a goof my whole life. Letting go was easier than expected.

 

I found someone whom I care for on a pretty deep (and unexplored) level. amazingly enough this feeling is reciprocated. How about that? And I find that doggone it, I deserve to feel this good!

 

So yeah...found a lot things this year. Makes the clusterfuck that was the rest of the year a lot tamer.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

Lava Lamp

Year in Review

Clusterfuck.

A friend of mine asked me to sum up my year in one word, and somehow that was the first word to come to mind.

Hardly the outcome I expected when I resolved to improve my life last year, but as someone I know always says: It is what it is. So I sit here a newly divorced woman, reflecting upon the choices I made. Did I do the right things?

I have to say, for the most part, yes I did. Even though some of those choices have caused some serious heartache and introspection, I did. For the most part these things have worked themselves out, even though the path there was a bit rockier and more complex than I previously imagined they would be.

I know I am being vague, but for personal reasons it's probably best.


Slipped back into old bad habits, but I am navigating through those as well. I feel like, having been through them before, I know a little more about how to get past them and work through them. It's just a matter of motivation and goal setting. Having said that, I am also discovering my mettle (and sometimes lack thereof). And this is okay. We are all a work in progress, although sometimes progress seems pretty slow.

I've discovered over the course of events this year who my real friends are. This was both an excrutiatingly painful and amazingly fulfilling process. There is nothing I can do about those who do not support me and/or my decisions - a hard lesson to learn (and I'm still working through some of this). It was, however, a necessary one.

See? Even at 33 I'm still learning. Everyday a school day indeed.

So, reflecting on my year, indeed it was a bit of a clusterfuck for me emotionally, physically, in my personal and public life. But, I got through it with some important discoveries. The least I can do is take what I got and do something with it in the upcoming year. Nothing that happens to us is meaningless. What we go through can serve a purpose - be it for ourselves or the benefit of others.

Have a great new year folks!

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

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Dec. 3rd, 2011

Lava Lamp

Been too long...

Wow. I logged on (with my new laptop - long story there but it was an unexpected purchase) and I noticed it's been over THREE months since I posted on here. It's been a crazy busy roller coaster of a time since I was last here.

I moved into my new place at the end of September. I really like it here. I have a lot of my old things out of storage and up on the walls. I also have some things on the wall that belong to a close friend. They make the place feel like home. You can tell when you walk in that a nerd lives here. One who likes to read, watch movies and enjoys sports.

The divorce was final on November 2nd. It was one of those emotions I cannot explain: a mix of sadness, joy and relief. Excitement about the opportunities and new journeys that lie before me - both in my personal and my professional/educational life. I don't doubt that I did the right thing, it's the uncertainty that I see before me that gets me every once in a while.

One bad thing though, after I moved in, my eldest kitty Myra managed to get lose as a result of a windy night and a bad door latch. I was overwhelmed with grief about it for a while, so I have to hope that someone found her chubby adorable self and decided to keep her for themselves. I have to keep thinking that or it will haunt me for the rest of my days. I can't do that to myself.

So today my S.O. and I drove over to the new animal shelter and adopted a new cat. She is three years old and healthy and beautiful. We decided to stick with the Civil War theme and named her Shiloh (a battle in the war). I will make sure and attach a photo later. Chamberlain seems to be adjusting okay so far.

Needless to say things are looking up. I have someone in my life whom I care deeply for (and vice versa), a beautiful set of kitties, a nice place, a great job and friends who love me. What more could I ask for?

Aug. 24th, 2011

Lava Lamp

Truthiness

Oh and no more lying in profiles folks.
EverythingBeautiful

Moving On

So, it's been kind of crazy for the past week or so around here. Especially in the head and heart. Some new and raw emotions setting in. Amazingly (and perhaps sadly) enough I am really not too emotional about the sepearation and inevitable divorce. I am actually quite relieved. It's something I've felt deep down in my being would eventually happen. I knew it in 2004 when we were seperated it probably would. Or I would settle and be silently miserable the rest of my life. Comfortable maybe, but unfulfilled.

So today I went to North Austin and found a place. It was one I was really hoping to get, and was happy it was A: in my price range and B: as amazing a locale as I imagined. It's pretty small, but it's just me and the cats, so what do I really need while I contemplate what the next step is. I only signed for a year, because if there is one thing I've known about myself is that I do not belong in Texas. That was a point of contention for a long time. I want to move back East. I am looking for ways to fulfill that desire. School is always good (another point of contention). I want to go back. Not for sociology. History or Gerontology perhaps, but sociology has all but run it's course as far as further education. Teaching? Sure, but that's it.

So, one step closer to where I want to be. Some of it is going to be more waiting (which sucks) but eventually the time will come and the peices will fall into place.

I'm going to file next week, I think. If that works out, the earliest I can go would be November 3rd...and the 4th is someone's birthday. Trying to decide what to do about that. I've been called a cold heartless bitch already this week.

Not sure. My emotions are all over.

Moving on it seems.

Aug. 21st, 2011

L&O C&I - Curious

Translating the Cryptic

So I realize my posts have been both few and far between and cryptic as of late. I apologize for that but I hvae had a lot of things going on in my personal life. Friends sick and in the hospital, me sick and my marriage breaking up.

Yeah, you read that correctly.

It's actually been something of an inevitability for a long time to tell the truth. I have a good way of hiding things that go on in my personal life, or putting on a face for others to see so that they do not see what is really going on.

To be quite frank, I got tired of doing that.

Matt and I had become nothing more than roommates who shared some interests and a place. There are many other things I would rather not share publicly that led to this as well. We've been separated before, and things were supposed to change, and they didn't. I know many of my friends will cut bait, and I totally understand that. Please know that this is something we've amicably agreed to, and that it will be the best for the both of us, in the long run.

So there's that.

Jul. 30th, 2011

Lava Lamp

(no subject)

I told the truth, and I think my life is going to change. For the better.

Jul. 18th, 2011

Lava Lamp

And the Truth Shall Set You Free

Amazing. My funky mood as of late is totally gone. I wonder why. Oh yeah, I finally decided just to talk about what was going on in my head and such. I figured sharing would either just make things weird, or make things better. Turns out it made things better.

It felt like a weight just lifted. While there are still things to share, I got much of what I needed to say out in the open. It's a good feeling. Liberating, even. I have many things going on to be unhappy about, it's nice to finally have something(s) that bring me joy. Sharing really opened that door, because the fear was eating me up inside.

I am fortunate I have some of the people in my life that I do.

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